heartaches

I hate heartaches.  My heart aches right now.  My soul aches right now.  I want to scream and yell and throw a fit. You know that gut feeling that tells you when something is awry?  I've had that gut feeling for the last several weeks now.  The signs are pointing toward a new truth, and I know what I know.  The sad thing is, it is out of my control.  Maybe that's the hard part ~ not having control.  Not that I want to be the top dog, the call-all-the-shots, you-don't-have-a-say-so kind of person.  I'm a person who likes to discuss issues before they become bigger, unmanageable, non-negotiable issues.  I want to at least have a hand in something that includes me.  Not now.  Not gonna happen.

selfishness

Ok, so I am feeling really selfish right now.  My boyfriend of 9 months (can you have a 'boyfriend' at age 50?) got laid off from his job as an engineer today.  I'm sad for him, although this is nothing new for him in the last 5 years or so.  Yet, I feel guilty for feeling selfish about the fact that he may have to move out of state to take another job, should he find one, and that means our relationship will possibly have to be a long-distance relationship.  What makes me feel selfish is the fact that I'm making this about ME, and this is really about him.  It's his life that is now uprooted, his whole universe that is now out of sync, and I'm hoping it doesn't cause a tear in the fabric of our relationship.  He's a wonderful man, and I don't want to lose him.

Yes, I have trust issues with men.  So there, I said it.  He's done nothing to warrant me not trusting him ~ it's the other, previous turds that were not able to be trusted.  But I am feeling like this is about me too, because I am an integral part of his life, as he is mine, and I was floating along in this grand, mahvelous, perfect relationship thinking all is just peachy dandy, all I have to do is finish school, and we could start a life together.  Now it is in the process of changing ~ in a major way.  Poooooooooooh.