Thursday, April 12, 2012

Life and It's Dynamics

I want to start by saying I was correct.  I knew it.  Funny, isn't it, that when you know, you know?

Life certainly is very interesting.  Human behavior is also very interesting, as well as extremely intriguing.  Put the two together and you have a myriad of 'stuff'.  Stuff that makes sense and doesn't make sense.  You dive into life with eyes wide open (or so you think), especially at this age, after thinking you have gained a little wisdom and insight along the way, only to find out that you are once again just a mere butterfly, still flitting around, trying to find out which direction you are going and where you might land. 

You see the 'flower' ahead, the place that looks all comfy and safe and protected from the storms and the strong winds, so you decide to land there.  All signs point to this cozy spot; you see no threats nearby, and you stay for a bit.  The nectar tastes so sweet on this flower, that you stay for a little bit longer.  You decide it's safe to consider this your 'safe place'.  Then all of a sudden, the wind picks up and starts blowing everything around.  You are hanging on, hoping that the winds will calm down soon, only to see the mean, black, damaging storm approaching.  You squeeze your eyes shut, hoping to ride out the monster that is presenting itself.  It doesn't are being blown around in such a fierce way that you lose all track of location and can't seem to right yourself! 

Even though you knew the possibility existed of the storm arriving, you had hoped it would divert it's trajectory elsewhere.  You are now left to pick up your broken wings and learn to fly again, slowly, gaining more insight and wisdom along the new way, along the new journey that was presented to you without you having any say in the matter.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Tuesday, October 25, 2011


I hate heartaches.  My heart aches right now.  My soul aches right now.  I want to scream and yell and throw a fit. You know that gut feeling that tells you when something is awry?  I've had that gut feeling for the last several weeks now.  The signs are pointing toward a new truth, and I know what I know.  The sad thing is, it is out of my control.  Maybe that's the hard part ~ not having control.  Not that I want to be the top dog, the call-all-the-shots, you-don't-have-a-say-so kind of person.  I'm a person who likes to discuss issues before they become bigger, unmanageable, non-negotiable issues.  I want to at least have a hand in something that includes me.  Not now.  Not gonna happen.

Friday, October 21, 2011


Ok, so I am feeling really selfish right now.  My boyfriend of 9 months (can you have a 'boyfriend' at age 50?) got laid off from his job as an engineer today.  I'm sad for him, although this is nothing new for him in the last 5 years or so.  Yet, I feel guilty for feeling selfish about the fact that he may have to move out of state to take another job, should he find one, and that means our relationship will possibly have to be a long-distance relationship.  What makes me feel selfish is the fact that I'm making this about ME, and this is really about him.  It's his life that is now uprooted, his whole universe that is now out of sync, and I'm hoping it doesn't cause a tear in the fabric of our relationship.  He's a wonderful man, and I don't want to lose him.

Yes, I have trust issues with men.  So there, I said it.  He's done nothing to warrant me not trusting him ~ it's the other, previous turds that were not able to be trusted.  But I am feeling like this is about me too, because I am an integral part of his life, as he is mine, and I was floating along in this grand, mahvelous, perfect relationship thinking all is just peachy dandy, all I have to do is finish school, and we could start a life together.  Now it is in the process of changing ~ in a major way.  Poooooooooooh.

Saturday, June 25, 2011


My daughter and my grandson left today for California, to join her husband and his family there for their new life as west-coasters.  I took them to the airport, and the goodbye was unexpectedly quick.  We didn't realize that I couldn't go back and wait with them until they got on their flight.  I had to leave them at the end of the line to work their way back to their gate area. 

My daughter and her 8 month-old son on a 9 hour flight with 2 layovers - not a pleasant thought.  I wanted to be there with her on the flight to help take care of him, because I know she will have a hard time for that long of a flight.  He's quite the wiggler, and when he wants down, he wants down. That is the last time I'll see them until who knows when.  I took tons of pictures while they stayed with me yesterday and this morning, so I will at least have those to remind me of the enjoyment I had while they were at my house.  One special picture is of me holding Michael, with a close-up of our faces.  I want to get that one framed and I want my daughter to frame one for Michael so that he can remember me.  My biggest fear is that he will forget me, his Nana who was there the day he was born, and watched him come into this world, his Nana who has helped care for him so much, especially in the first few months, when his mom was really sick.  Michael, Nana loves you to the moon and back!

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Patience & Strength

God, I need for You to give me the patience and the strength to wait out what is before me, to not rush things according to my time frame.  It's my prayer that what You've given me today will still be here when the time is right.  Sometimes I get so ahead of myself and caught up in the moment that I can't hear what You are trying to tell me.  I pray for the patience to listen carefully and to see clearly what You want for me.  I know that You want what is best for me, so please help me to slow down and wait for it.

Friday, April 29, 2011

Singleness of Heart

I am struggling with agonizing thoughts over whether to love again and giving my all in the name of love, or forgetting about it and just living my life as a single woman.  Here's the great dilemma ~ how do you know the other person is giving their all, and not just stringing you along for the fun of it, or for a little entertainment, until something better comes along?

It seems, unfortunately, that I've been the 'entertainment' for several relationships, only to find out that those significant others had other ideas, that they had 'other lives' outside of the relationships that we'd had.  It's sincerely unfortunate that my new Love has to bear the brunt of my past relationships, but it's those relationships that form who I am today.  Those relationships were part of my life, and they have helped shaped my thoughts and actions that I bring to any new relationship.

I want more than anything to give of myself completely, to give my entire being, to the relationship, but there is a small, still voice in the recesses of my mind that is playing devil's advocate.  Can you trust him?  Is he lying to you about you being the only one?  Is he wanting to see other women while he is dating me?  Is our relationship exclusive?  I can't innundate him with these questions or thoughts, for fear of him thinking I'm totally insecure or insane, but the insecurity comes again and again in each new relationship when the significant other has proven his infidelity by cheating.  What could possibly be different about this relationship?  Past issues now become present issues.

I want to be free of any doubt, any insecurities, anything that will compromise the relationship that I have with my Love.  I want that more than anything.  But I also want, in return, the assurance that he is completely and wholeheartedly committed to our relationship.  If not, I'd rather be single.  The pain of letting go is far less than the pain of finding out later in the relationship that he wasn't exclusively committed to me.