Friday, April 29, 2011

Singleness of Heart

I am struggling with agonizing thoughts over whether to love again and giving my all in the name of love, or forgetting about it and just living my life as a single woman.  Here's the great dilemma ~ how do you know the other person is giving their all, and not just stringing you along for the fun of it, or for a little entertainment, until something better comes along?

It seems, unfortunately, that I've been the 'entertainment' for several relationships, only to find out that those significant others had other ideas, that they had 'other lives' outside of the relationships that we'd had.  It's sincerely unfortunate that my new Love has to bear the brunt of my past relationships, but it's those relationships that form who I am today.  Those relationships were part of my life, and they have helped shaped my thoughts and actions that I bring to any new relationship.

I want more than anything to give of myself completely, to give my entire being, to the relationship, but there is a small, still voice in the recesses of my mind that is playing devil's advocate.  Can you trust him?  Is he lying to you about you being the only one?  Is he wanting to see other women while he is dating me?  Is our relationship exclusive?  I can't innundate him with these questions or thoughts, for fear of him thinking I'm totally insecure or insane, but the insecurity comes again and again in each new relationship when the significant other has proven his infidelity by cheating.  What could possibly be different about this relationship?  Past issues now become present issues.

I want to be free of any doubt, any insecurities, anything that will compromise the relationship that I have with my Love.  I want that more than anything.  But I also want, in return, the assurance that he is completely and wholeheartedly committed to our relationship.  If not, I'd rather be single.  The pain of letting go is far less than the pain of finding out later in the relationship that he wasn't exclusively committed to me.

No comments:

Post a Comment