heartaches

I hate heartaches.  My heart aches right now.  My soul aches right now.  I want to scream and yell and throw a fit. You know that gut feeling that tells you when something is awry?  I've had that gut feeling for the last several weeks now.  The signs are pointing toward a new truth, and I know what I know.  The sad thing is, it is out of my control.  Maybe that's the hard part ~ not having control.  Not that I want to be the top dog, the call-all-the-shots, you-don't-have-a-say-so kind of person.  I'm a person who likes to discuss issues before they become bigger, unmanageable, non-negotiable issues.  I want to at least have a hand in something that includes me.  Not now.  Not gonna happen.

selfishness

Ok, so I am feeling really selfish right now.  My boyfriend of 9 months (can you have a 'boyfriend' at age 50?) got laid off from his job as an engineer today.  I'm sad for him, although this is nothing new for him in the last 5 years or so.  Yet, I feel guilty for feeling selfish about the fact that he may have to move out of state to take another job, should he find one, and that means our relationship will possibly have to be a long-distance relationship.  What makes me feel selfish is the fact that I'm making this about ME, and this is really about him.  It's his life that is now uprooted, his whole universe that is now out of sync, and I'm hoping it doesn't cause a tear in the fabric of our relationship.  He's a wonderful man, and I don't want to lose him.

Yes, I have trust issues with men.  So there, I said it.  He's done nothing to warrant me not trusting him ~ it's the other, previous turds that were not able to be trusted.  But I am feeling like this is about me too, because I am an integral part of his life, as he is mine, and I was floating along in this grand, mahvelous, perfect relationship thinking all is just peachy dandy, all I have to do is finish school, and we could start a life together.  Now it is in the process of changing ~ in a major way.  Poooooooooooh.

Emptiness

My daughter and my grandson left today for California, to join her husband and his family there for their new life as west-coasters.  I took them to the airport, and the goodbye was unexpectedly quick.  We didn't realize that I couldn't go back and wait with them until they got on their flight.  I had to leave them at the end of the line to work their way back to their gate area. 

My daughter and her 8 month-old son on a 9 hour flight with 2 layovers - not a pleasant thought.  I wanted to be there with her on the flight to help take care of him, because I know she will have a hard time for that long of a flight.  He's quite the wiggler, and when he wants down, he wants down. That is the last time I'll see them until who knows when.  I took tons of pictures while they stayed with me yesterday and this morning, so I will at least have those to remind me of the enjoyment I had while they were at my house.  One special picture is of me holding Michael, with a close-up of our faces.  I want to get that one framed and I want my daughter to frame one for Michael so that he can remember me.  My biggest fear is that he will forget me, his Nana who was there the day he was born, and watched him come into this world, his Nana who has helped care for him so much, especially in the first few months, when his mom was really sick.  Michael, Nana loves you to the moon and back!

Patience & Strength

God, I need for You to give me the patience and the strength to wait out what is before me, to not rush things according to my time frame.  It's my prayer that what You've given me today will still be here when the time is right.  Sometimes I get so ahead of myself and caught up in the moment that I can't hear what You are trying to tell me.  I pray for the patience to listen carefully and to see clearly what You want for me.  I know that You want what is best for me, so please help me to slow down and wait for it.

Singleness of Heart

I am struggling with agonizing thoughts over whether to love again and giving my all in the name of love, or forgetting about it and just living my life as a single woman.  Here's the great dilemma ~ how do you know the other person is giving their all, and not just stringing you along for the fun of it, or for a little entertainment, until something better comes along?

It seems, unfortunately, that I've been the 'entertainment' for several relationships, only to find out that those significant others had other ideas, that they had 'other lives' outside of the relationships that we'd had.  It's sincerely unfortunate that my new Love has to bear the brunt of my past relationships, but it's those relationships that form who I am today.  Those relationships were part of my life, and they have helped shaped my thoughts and actions that I bring to any new relationship.

I want more than anything to give of myself completely, to give my entire being, to the relationship, but there is a small, still voice in the recesses of my mind that is playing devil's advocate.  Can you trust him?  Is he lying to you about you being the only one?  Is he wanting to see other women while he is dating me?  Is our relationship exclusive?  I can't innundate him with these questions or thoughts, for fear of him thinking I'm totally insecure or insane, but the insecurity comes again and again in each new relationship when the significant other has proven his infidelity by cheating.  What could possibly be different about this relationship?  Past issues now become present issues.

I want to be free of any doubt, any insecurities, anything that will compromise the relationship that I have with my Love.  I want that more than anything.  But I also want, in return, the assurance that he is completely and wholeheartedly committed to our relationship.  If not, I'd rather be single.  The pain of letting go is far less than the pain of finding out later in the relationship that he wasn't exclusively committed to me.

Psalm 139

How precious it is, Lord, to realize that You are thinking about me constantly!  I can't even count how many times a day Your thoughts turn toward me.

Psalm 139:17-18 TLB

Guide Me Lord

Lord, I pray for guidance to know what I need to know, and the patience to wait for You to give me what I need. 

I know that sometimes I get impatient, but I do know that You have my life in Your hands. 

I am human and I fall short daily, even minute by minute, but I know that if I look to You, I will be able to stay the course that You have planned for me.

There are those in the world that try to make me into something that I don't need to be, and there are those who lie to me daily, trying to persuade me to their way of living.  I pray that You will help me to have the wisdom to know what I should do when confronted with these situations. 

Life can be tough, but with You by my side, I know that I can endure the heartaches, disappointments, and the pain that comes my way.

Thank you, Lord, for being my Guiding Light on this journey through life.

Breathe

I inch my toes into the water, little by little, thinking all is well, not heeding the tiny voice inside of me, giving me little hints to tread lightly.  The water looks good, feels oh so warm and inviting...just let me take a dip, just let me feel the silkiness of the water enveloping all of my being, just for a few minutes.  I close my eyes and venture in a little more, then a little more, and before I know it, I am fully immersed in that soft blanket of deliciousness.  Just as I had imagined, the feeling is all-encompassing.  Time stands still as I take it all in, the beauty, the love, the wonderment.  I hold my breath, afraid to let it out, for fear of breathing this moment away...

What If?

There's a man that I am falling in love with.  He is a kind, considerate, loving man, as well as a great father.  But I am afraid to give my heart away completely, for fear that it will be broken yet again.  What if he changes his mind and decides he doesn't want me in his life anymore?  What if he finds someone new?  Why must I have these "what ifs"?  Is it a safety mechanism, so that I can be somewhat prepared should it happen?  Would these "what ifs" make it any easier should that happen?  What if it DOESN'T happen, and he is the Prince Charming that I've dreamed of for a long, long time? 

I am reminded of movies that I've seen, where two people falling in love don't let each other know, for one reason or another, and they finally go their separate ways, never knowing of each other's feelings.  We cheer them on, cheering them to divulge their innermost feelings to each other, knowing, just knowing, that if they each knew the other person's feelings, all would be well and they would live happily ever after.

I want that 'happily ever after'.  I deserve it ~ everyone does.  I am falling for this man more and more and more every day.  Every conversation that we have, every time that we are together, my feelings only get stronger.  What if I am ready to love again?  What if he knew that...what if I were to tell him one day?

Shadows

There always seems to be lurking shadows of past behavior, past mistakes, past experiences, beckoning me to visit them once again, to succomb to their power over my thinking, yet my healing takes me further and further away from their grasp, to a place of comfort and safety.  I am a new person, and I no longer need to dwell on those things.  I've come a long way, and I am now able to be ME, with my own mind, my own way of thinking, my own feelings.  I know that as I continue to look forward, to what my mind's eye and my heart of hearts see as my future, I will be comforted by the fact that I am no longer under the control of the shadows.

Heart Strings

It's really sad when life hands you difficult changes, yet in the same breath, it hands you unbelievably exciting changes.  It's an "even-steven" kind of karma, if you will.  You look back at everything that has happened in your life and you wonder why this happened, why that happened ~ is everything predestined to happen or is it just fate?  I personally believe that everything happens for a reason, although I don't understand why.  That's probably the biggest question that I have ~ why do we have to go through all the difficult times to get to the good stuff?

Grooming is a difficult thing, yet it enables us to be completely whole, completely who we are supposed to be, completely pure and right and perfect.  We are being groomed for something fantastic.  The pain and heartache that we face will ultimately be a faded memory, still there, but put away out of reach.  We see in the distance what and who we are meant to be.  Embrace it, embrace change, embrace the pain that is inevitable.  Know that it is our path to life, to love, to wholeness.